The 35 Day Challenge: Day 1 of 35

The 35 Day Challenge: Day 1 of 35

Challenging my disbelief on love. Getting rid of the BUTs…

There is only one area of my life that I find myself in a state of on and off again disbelief and as embarrassed as I am to admit it and as much as I would rather the entire e-world not know…I’m making myself vulnerable in hopes that perhaps some woman out there will be encouraged and I keep feeling the nudge to write about it, yet am usually too afraid to follow through. But yes….it is my love life.

Okay, here we go…

It hasn’t always been this way, but its funny how challenges have a way of scratching at your surface ultimately irritating you enough until you look down at them [sometimes momentarily, other times for many long moments], taking your eyes off of that thing you once saw in the distance so clearly. When you finally do look back it isn’t always as easy to see. Sometimes it can leave you feeling a little lost and in search of your map…yet the map is nowhere to be found or so you feel. Sometimes just a little fog rolls in and you can see it in the distance, but it’s blurry. Other times…..It’s like what you once saw disappeared and you are desperately searching for this memory of what once was so easy to hope for. 

This weekend I was playing basketball with a friend and while we played we discussed a bit of my current life situation and he replied with a sentence that did not sit well with me and of course he noticed it in my body language. He continued to tell me how annoying it was that I did not believe him. I thought about it for a moment and then realized that though I wanted to believe his statement his statement had this big BUT right in the middle of it and that BUT, at least in my mind, totally negated the first part of the sentence. I explained to him that though I wanted to believe him…that his BUT in his statement nullified the entire thought. He did not agree; however, that thought of how a BUT in the middle of your statement can negate the very point you are trying to make, weighed upon my mind for the rest of the evening.

That evening while chatting with a girlfriend on the phone, she said to me, ‘You know what, you really need to just get that disbelief out of your head.’ At first, my stubbornness thought….come on. My disbelief is totally justifiable and has been ‘proven’ numerous times….thinking…I really should write a book on that. Yet, her tough love resonated with me for the remainder of the evening along with this question of whether a BUT in the middle of your statement can be understood and accepted or if it  is simply a nice way of not saying the thing that is really true. However, I felt a sense of determination to work at this disbelief and continue to take risks in this area of my life…and not give up. So that evening I committed again to just be true and honest and to continue to believe for the best. And to keep on trying….

Sunday morning, I woke up poured my tea and noticed this heart shaped water spot on my favorite coffee cup [trying not to sound too much like an episode of grilled Cheesus on Glee, as my students would reference] and instantly felt a little reminder of God’s love for me. Now I don’t want you to get confused. I have not ever doubted God’s love for me, but I love when he gives me little reminders….as superstitious as my heart-shaped water spot sounds. After getting ready, I headed out to church, praying I would be able to just have sometime with God in worship [no distractions or men wanting to sit around me]…..I needed to talk with Him about this area of disbelief…just me and Him. I want to believe so badly. Yet, these scratches have left a few scars and sometimes I find it so hard to see through the fog. And I believe God will, BUT…..

Interestingly enough, Shane [our pastor] spoke on the sort of practical Atheist that exists in our society. When I first heard this series announced, I thought, well….I’m certainly not an atheist. I have believed in God for as long as I remember, so perhaps this series will just be good reference for me dealing with the Atheists I know…[Awh, the side of my personality that thinks I am so far along…..boy, do I have a lot to learn!] The message began and these sentences flashed on the screen….Sentences that began with powerful statements of faith; however, right in the middle of the sentence they had this BUT in the middle of them…..negating the point of their bold proclamation. I instantly realized the words that I had shared with my friend on the basketball court were words I should have been saying to myself. You see in this one area of my life I will say God I believe you are going to…..however when another struggle comes or another disappointing experience occurs and I am let down almost predictably I look down for a moment and say BUT. I thought to myself, ‘Is this promise I am believing God for being negated by my BUT? Am I only believing for half of my sentence?’

You know I have been privileged to accomplish many things in my years on this earth [and really they are quite few for what I've had the opportunity to experience]. I am so thankful. I have been blessed to see places and learn things that many only dream about. I am positive about every area of my life except for this one little area where I occasionally look down and say…BUT. I never look at any other situation as failure or see it in a pessimistic light, except for this one…..when I get let down [again…as my mind will think]….I seem to just resort back to this BUT. Usually, I look at challenges in life and say: COME ‘ERE! But when this one area gets rocky or disappoints me….I do the opposite and want to give up completely and loose track of the whole point of the promise. Thank goodness for my three closest girlfriends, who occasionally know how to lay on the tough love! I continue to pick myself up and try again….but mostly I am ashamed of how these BUTs in my faith statements detract from the glory that God wants to bring into this area of my life. So Sunday, I left church feeling ready to take on these BUTs! I had the most lovely 3 mile run in the afternoon, listening to worship music and smiling at how I was going to conquer this through Christ.

Sunday evening I had my entire family over for dinner and was reminded of how much LOVE I already have in my life. I felt ready to take on the week.

Monday…Tonight, I had dinner plans with a male friend….Last night I did not know if I would be dining with my friend or alone, but this morning I thought to myself that even if I am dining alone….I am going to Sammy’s and having the best time with God. I spend most of my evenings with God anyways…so it certainly would not be the end of the world if my friend does not show. I had a skip in my step this morning feeling total peace of all the unknowns and determined to kick these BUT statements out of my hopes and future. To my surprise….my friend confirmed!…I was so ecstatic! In my head I was only predicting about a 5% probability of follow-through….[Yes, I really am this business minded in my personal life, at times.] Woohoo! The margin of probability came true! [A downside of being a heart felt person is I get too easily exited too quickly…Ever heard the phrase don’t count your eggs before they hatch? Yep, I forget that too easily in my optimism.] I felt like this was really going to be a good day….and look at how my BUT kicking vow was already turning out. I shared this whole story with one of my closest girlfriends, feeling I could use it as an encouragement now…..though we are only talking about 2.5 days of my life….I felt like the testimony of change was already beginning!

Well, let me forewarn you! The moment you start verbalizing your grand faithful accomplishments in the spiritual realm….you are gonna be challenged! And sure enough my dinner plans were cancelled….so my marginal probability was not happening tonight. I was so disappointed and felt silly for even getting excited…..the story is much longer, but my reader friend, I can only be so vulnerable. I was understanding of my friend’s situation and did my best to react as Christ would want me and to be that woman I truly want to be, but that didn’t change how I personally felt. My heart sank back to this place of ‘here we go again’ and then the BUTs came pouring through my promise. Although, this time I recognized it straight away and tried everything in my power to combat it in my heart. I had my students write their favorite positive motivating quotes on the board. I thought, ‘Hey, this is a perfect opportunity to let everyone be encouraged!’ Although….I still felt so much disbelief in this area of my life….my head was being strong….but as we women can sometimes allow…my heart was weak and doubting. I decided I was going to go have my pizza at Sammy’s as I had planned. I was going to spend it with the Lover of my soul and everything would be just fine. So, why did I feel so deflated? Yes, past hurt and lies that I have been told played a huge part in my BUTs; however, I know God’s promises are true….why couldn’t I change my feelings? I wanted to so badly. So I thought….I’ll run it out. I ran for 5 miles….AND, I thought about it the WHOLE TIME! Women….can we just take a break from our gender and not think so much??? I prayed on my way to dinner, but then was more upset that I wasn’t as ecstact to spend the evening with God as I was earlier when it was a date with a man. REALLY??? The Creator of the universe is so much more exciting!!

Well, that brings me to the end of today. I’m here at Sammy’s had the most wonderful pizza, listened to worship music while I ate, and am sharing my story with you. Today, while I ran I decided the best way for me to get through these BUTs is to work at it consistently….not to have this ubber-positive unrealistic approach, but to just work at it. In 35 days I will be another year older. 35 is also my favorite number. Also, the speed limit I most consistently break. Between then and now I am vowing to work at this area of disbelief. How can God bless this area, when I’m being a Debbie Downer at every sign of disappointment? I know its silly in my head and I am a lot smarter than to let this control me, but I want the feeling to change and the BUTs eliminated! So, everyday…I’ll keep you posted on the BUT eliminations. I hope that you will possibly find an area of disbelief in your own life and for the next 35 days join me in kicking those BUTs out of your faith statements….even if your friends think you are the most spiritual person they know…..we have a LONG way to go!!! But….. :) as someone wrote to me today: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Prov 3:5-6. 

His love for us is far greater than anything we desire on this earth and can make those scratches so smooth that when we look down we see what’s in front of us so clearly that we have a hard time seeing the scratches at all.